I wish I could fall asleep, forever...

Just because I come across to people as being happy right now... I'm not. I'm really not. Everything is going wrong, and I'm in so much pain...
A big part of my past is now apart of my life again, which isn't bad at all. But he's helped me realize that I'm not happy with my life right now. While his best friend has tried to convince me that for months.
I don't know what to do. I feel so alone, sometimes I just want to go to sleep forever... So my dreams will become my reality. I'd take the nightmares I have over the pain of reality.

I have no inspiration anymore. I haven't written any part of a story, taken a picture, or done anything artistic in such a long time. I try, but then I wind up giving up before I even get the chance to really go somewhere with what I'm doing.

I don't know where my relationship stands.
I don't know who my real friends are, besides a few special people.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I don't know who I want to be, anymore.
I can't think, I can't breathe, and I can't sleep without feeling like it's all a waste.

I can see why people don't like me now, also. I don't have a heart. I mean of course I have one, but you get what I mean. There are very few people in my who I respect. My friends. No. My best friends. And my family. To everyone else, I give off this vibe that clearly states, "Back off - because I don't really give a fuck about you or anything to do with you" and in result, people stay away. I don't say anything... I don't really have to. When I do, it doesn't change their opinion. Lately my cruel attitude has been pushed onto Matt as well. I can tell that we are drifting because of it. He is so hostile now, and I can see why. Yet I still blame it all on him.

I wish I could be who I was a few months ago - Happy. Friendly. Respectful. Kind. Loving. Loved. Cared about.

On another note... I'm back on my anti-depressants. 20mg now, which is the highest I can go due to the fact that I'm a teenager. I hope they work... My old one did, until things turned to shit. So hopefully this is enough to lighten my life up a bit.

I apologize for the rant, Sean. Since this will be the first you have heard of all this. I don't want my attitude to affect you or any of the other few people I care about.

Avito.
- Cherron